The Need and Way of Repentance
August 10, 1988 Dharma Talk by Dainin Katagiri Roshi
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Katagiri Roshi: Please allow me to speak of the reason why we have to make repentance in Buddhism, because (in the previous talk) I didn’t complete the explanation of the reason why we have to practice repentance.
Last Saturday I [talked] a little bit about the two ways of living. The first one is ordinary people live their lives on the basis of their karmic life as a cause and their delusions as conditions. The other way of living is that bodhisattvas live their lives on the basis of their vow as a cause and the actualization of their vow as conditions in their daily lives. So there are two ways of living: ordinary people’s lives and bodhisattvas’ lives.
I think strictly speaking we live our lives on the basis of both. Some aspects of our lives are kind of ordinary people’s lives; but on the other hand it is not right, because we are always seeking for something more than ordinary lives, so in a sense some aspects of our lives are based on the bodhisattvas’ lives.
The vows in this case [mean] our vow to consider deeply how to live in peace and harmony day to day with all living beings. This is a kind of vow. Vow means the direction we should aim at under all circumstances, proceeding or going on toward that direction, considering deeply how to live in peace and harmony with all sentient beings. This is vow. Not only in this life, but also life after life. And also, I mentioned, under all circumstances: wherever you may be or whenever you may be, we proceed continually toward that direction, contemplating human life in peace, in harmony with all sentient beings. This is bodhisattva vows.
So, bodhisattvas’ lives are based on their vows […] and the actualization of their vows in their everyday living. Vow is not something abstract, or vow is not a metaphysical idea of human life, human living; it’s actual life. So this is a bodhisattva’s life.
So we have both ordinary people’s lives and also bodhisattvas’ lives, but usually we see very strongly only the ordinary people’s lives: filled with desires, emotional, physical, and created by [our] education, custom, heredity, and such and such. So we believe our lives are filled with lots of miserable delusions, and then we believe this is our natural life. But this is nothing but [an] expression of human arrogance. [The] two of those work together actually, and compound a state of our living as like a single piece of paper with two aspects; neither taking one side nor throwing the other away. Which way you want to choose really depends upon your refined human action, now and here.
For example, what do you think about a hundred dollar bill? Is it of no value because it is merely a piece of paper? Or is it very valuable because [it is] something more than a piece of paper? This is not a matter of idealistical talking about the hundred dollar bill, but a matter of your refined human action now and here, how to use it vividly in your daily living.
The same applies to the mudra you do in your zazen. I always mention this mudra is a symbol of the universe, which is characterized by the unity of two – [really] more than two – beings in peace, in harmony. So what do you think? Is this merely two hands, or this is a symbol of universe, the universe itself? Is it a matter of idealistical talking about a mudra, or is it something factual you have to deal with day to day as refined action, now and here?
Refined action means your understanding must be deepened. You shouldn’t understand in a very narrow way. So that’s why I say your action, human action, must be refined. That is important.
So how do you do it? This a key point: how do you accept this mudra created by two hands? Is this merely a form created by two hands? Or this is a symbol of universe as it is? It’s not matter of discussion; it is something you have to accept and do it.
Then how do you do it? That is your determination. But determination [comes] from your idea, thinking. [You are] always thinking, and then you can see [a] clear understanding of what this mudra is. So you can understand this is a form created by two hands, called mudra; on the other hand, this is exactly mudra as it really is. Two sides. And then, which way to go? Well, maybe mudra-as-it-is is a little better than this way [of] talking about [it idealistically], idealistical determinations. So let’s take this way.
So if you take this way, you can realize how shaky your determination is, because your determination is always based on no root, because always [you are thinking] “this is right, I have to do it.” Then if you continue to ask yourself “is that true,” finally your determination finds no root of its own. So whatever kind of determination [you have] is nothing but a changeable being, constantly.
But within this changeable, undependable determination, we have to make your determination secure. How? This depends on your action, right now, right here. That’s it.
So regarding a hundred dollar bill as only a piece of paper means that we take for granted that it is natural for human beings to live up to their karmic life and delusions, only to leave the view and … human arrogance.
Question: What’s the basis of the determination that you’re talking about, that you need to put into action?
Katagiri Roshi: Determination comes from your understanding of your life, you and your life, your world, and then making arrangement of your understanding and analyzing your understanding, then you can get the determination.
Same person: So this is an intellectual determination?
Katagiri Roshi: In a sense, through the words, through your understanding, determination comes from your life, based on your education, your circumstances, karmas, and emotions, and past, present, future – then determination is coming up. But a determination is in a sense very shaky, because whatever kind of determination you make, finally, what is the determination? Determination becomes undependable. Like snow on the Rocky Mountaions: very dependable, but nevertheless undependable. Snow is an important place for us to build up our life [as] so-called mountain climbers. So how do you make your life stable in the realm of undependable snow of the Rocky Mountains? So this is how; this is day-to-day life.
So undependable determination is not something wrong; it’s important because this is [just] the world we live in. So the question is, how do you make undependable determination sure and stable in your everyday life? That’s it. Is that clear?
Same person: Are you saying that that’s the question that we each have to ask ourselves?
Katagiri Roshi: Hmm? So how. Well, how is first you should direct your body and mind towards a certain direction, okay? That’s it.
So that’s why I said “arrogance”. It is natural that human beings should live [according] to our karmic life and delusions because this is our, what would you say, instinct, but this is really human arrogance. Because can you believe [in] your life exactly based on this human instinct? You believe that, but on the other hand there is something negative [there], because you try to seek something more than that. What is it? So maybe you believe that it is natural for you to live [according] to human delusion or human karmic life in the past, but on the other hand you believe that human life shouldn’t be so. You think [so] unconsciously or consciously, that’s why [you ask], “What is it?”
So, we are always attached to one side or the other side very strongly, excessively. And also thinking of a one hundred dollar bill ever so much, only to create some mysterious power around it, enough to make your life much, much happier. [This] is nothing but the expression of human arrogance, because that thinking makes you a kind of a money animal. So you just depend on the money, because money is a mysterious great power beyond your thinking. Because people respect you if you become rich; if you become poor people don’t respect you; this is fact! So you really respect the money. But on the other hand we don’t respect the money. You know, a hundred dollar bill is nothing but a piece of paper: no value; we say so. But this is also human arrogance.
It is very important that the hundred dollar bill which is nothing but the piece of paper should be given [life] in virtue of your refined action now and here, concentrating on how to make it alive in your daily living. Hundred dollar bill is here, a being which is alive right now, right here. There is no room for you to discuss about it, because a hundred dollar bill is a being just like you, as well as your being. How do you communicate with it? By your idealistic understanding or metaphysical understanding? That is important, but that understanding is very [shaky], undependable. But undependable understanding is our important place, that’s why [we ask] how do you build up your life stably or peacefully in the realm of the undependable situation of our understanding. Whatever it is [is] very undependable, but this is the human samsaric world. So that’s why in the virtue of your refined action now and here you have to deal with the hundred dollar bill as it really is, to give life to the hundred dollar bill as it is. That’s it. And then it supports your life, and supports your other human beings, and then you can share your life with all sentient beings, broadly speaking. So, finally your life is very valuable.
The same applies to a way of how to actualize the ordinary karmic life on the basis of the bodhisattva’s vow, or how to manifest bodhisattva [life] in ordinary people’s life. In other words, whatever you understand about your life or others’ life, all understanding is very undependable, always changing, but as best as you can you should understand deeply, as best as you can. That is your place, your abode you live in. That’s it. Then the question is, how do you give life to your understanding, in your everyday life, helping your life and also others’ life. This is our practice, day to day.
This is called living in vow. Bodhisattvas always direct their daily living to [this]. Always.
So, the bodhisattva’s vow, or living in vow, means that bodhisattvas always aim at a certain direction in their lives, contemplating a way of peaceful living with all beings, and trying to actualize this way – life after life, wherever or whenever they may be. A bodhisattva has a direction to aim at in order to live in their lives in peace [and] in harmony with all sentient beings, life after life, wherever they may be. So that means they use their lives not only for the sake of their own life but also others’ life, being or not being, visibly or invisibly. This is bodhisattvas’ vow.
So that is a bodhisattva’s direction. Direction is direction which you have [which] you will not yet reach, so direction is a great image of human life: how to live with all sentient beings. [So] this is an image. But an image is not merely an image, because the image is important, the image is something giving a certain great suggestion of how to live. So if you have an image, all we can do is try to make it alive, day to day. How? We should move toward that image, proceed toward that image.
That is not a matter of discussion. Sometimes we have to discuss, but sometimes we have to cut off the discussion as soon as possible and do it. That’s it.
This is a bodhisattva’s direction; and also a bodhisattva never expects anything from that direction, because they always proceed continually toward that under all circumstances, without any expectation. If you expect [something] even slightly, you cannot move, you cannot direct your life toward that and go on. You cannot do it.
That’s why always we have to see the direction and then move, just like a ship on the ocean. A ship must direct herself [toward] San Francisco constantly, under all circumstances – storms, sunny days – which are undependable, completely undependable. The more you try to direct your ship towards San Francisco properly, continually, life after life, the more you can see lots of obstacles, like storms and waves, and sunny days, and excitement and pensiveness, and many things there, created by the self inwardly and outwardly. So the more you try to move toward that direction without expectation at all, the more you [find it] very difficult to keep your life straight.
So very naturally: prayer. A sense of prayer, a sense of vow comes into existence, like pure water coming from the deep ground.
So from this point, repentance is not to apologize in the presence of your “boss”. Okay? But [rather] repentance in Buddhism is [like] the flow of water coming up from the ground, without stopping at all. It’s coming up. This is a Bodhisattva Vow.
This way means the Bodhisattva Way is also based on the same as human action, but that of giving birth [to] buddha-dharma or “eternal child”. “Eternal child” means using your karmic life and you try to make every possible effort to give birth to the child, but that is eternal child constantly. There is some concern, some anxiety because the bodhisattva doesn’t know what kind of a child is coming. But all they have to do is to aim at giving birth to their eternal child, using their own karmic life.
That’s why Dogen Zenji says, “Please dig up the human world and turn it into golden world.” This is the last sentence of Genjokoan; you can read it.
So you try to direct your karmic life toward that eternal target. “Eternal target” means you should live with all sentient beings, life after life, thinking constantly how to live in peace and harmony. This is difficult, but this is bodhisattva life. And not only thinking, but also actualize this vow, this way of life in our daily life.
So very naturally they try to give birth to [an] eternal child – in other words, a golden world.
At the same time, they have an uneasy feeling about what kind of child will be coming. This is their suffering. However, the frame of their real lives begins to burn, or their real activities come into being in the process of undergoing suffering, which emerges from their vow.
In other words, right in the middle of the process of being with all sentient beings, then they can find their lives worth living. Not from idealistical understanding of the world of human beings; right in the process of sharing your life with all sentient beings, [there] you can find your life worth living. This is the bodhisattva way.
That’s why we have to understand it deeply, and then try to see what direction we should go.
It is like a parent, who undergoes suffering because of their children’s existence and who feel their lives worth living in the process of being with their children. This is [being a parent]. The same applies to our individual lives.
Direction means to allow your life to proceed in reality toward it day-to-day, instead of molding your life into an idealistic expectation from the direction.
For instance, I was always [told] by some people that it is nonsense to do zazen quietly because there are many human beings who are starving to death – in India, in Burma, wherever you may be – so why don’t you save those people from their suffering right now? So naturally they criticize the practice of meditation and studying Buddhism, et cetera. That’s beautiful, beautiful. But I don’t think it is beautiful, because beautiful thought, beautiful idea, beautiful thinking sometimes makes a problem because it’s too beautiful. Because real life consists of beautiful aspects and not-beautiful aspects. Because there are […] many aspects of human life: some who are starving to death, some who are not starving to death, some who enjoy their life, some who undergo suffering… [and] some who don’t feel anything, some who don’t care [about] any aspect or idea of life. Many kinds of life come up. And then if you see only “some persons who are starving to death” idealistically with your head and then [say] we should do it, that means we try to mold our life into this beautiful idealistical thought and thinking and way of life. It is beautiful, but look at yourself.
When I went back to Japan this time – you know in Japan we have a beautiful train transportation. It’s very beautiful train transportation; just like airplanes in the United States. But I realized sometimes trains are jammed by people. I got a train from [Unintelligible] to Tokyo; at that time the train was completely crowded by people. So I stood up, you know. And then I stood up in a special train in a reserved seat of the train, but all the reserved seats were booked up and filled with people. But we could stand in the ailse, so I stood up there. And then there were one or two vacant seats I found – but I couldn’t sit down there because it was already reserved, even though no one sits there. So then the conductor came and told us if you want to sit in that vacant seat, please pay such and such amount of money, and then you can sit – but I can’t give any guarantee when this person who reserved it might come onto the train. [Laughter.] So no one tried to pay the money, you know? But fortunately I have a foreigner pass, the pass for a foreigner to go any place for certain period of time. For a week, you can go any place for free. And then the reserved seat is also free. [Laughter.] I have this pass; so I show it to him. So he said, “Please sit down.” Because no pay, you know? But simultaneously I found an old woman standing up there. But I didn’t give my seat to her. I quietly sat down there.
And then at that time: who am I? Am I always bodhisattva life; can I always share my life with all sentient beings, how to live in peace and harmony? I don’t do it right now. I always try to protect my life. I don’t want to share.
So at that time I realized my presence, I realized how much my realized pushed other’s life away from me in order to keep my life peaceful. And, how much I am egoistic, how much I am hurting others’ life.
I think I realized I cannot save my life. Not my life – to save my life is to save others. But I cannot save my life. That means I cannot save others’ life either. Because I protect myself.
So it is beautiful to save those people who are starving to death. But pay attention to reality, how much you can save you. Because you have to save yourself; not in order to satisfy your life, but because you have to share your life with all sentient beings. How much can you do day to day; how much are we hurting others – that reflection is very important for us.
Day to day, whatever you think, according to the Buddhist precepts we shouldn’t hurt others. We shouldn’t hurt others, we shouldn’t push anyone away from ourselves – always accepting others, always accepting all things and living together. But actually, our lives would be going first.
[Tape change.]
… But if you can keep Buddhist precepts perfectly, you have to die. You have to die, because not-kill. How much can you observe not killing? If you keep this, how do you live your life in the high expenses of others’ life – trees’ life, vegetables’ life, animals’ life. How much? Can you say “I don’t sacrifice any beings; I observe Buddhist precept perfectly”? Can you say that? Even though you don’t kill any animals, how much do you kill insects, vegetables, grasses. In many ways we [kill].
That’s why actually actual everyday life is really undependable. Is this right life we should depend on, or this is not right life we should depend on? We cannot say. Totally our life in reality is very shakable, undependable. But this is real reality; we should live in.
Then how do we observe our Buddhist precept in our everyday life? This is constantly we have to do it.
So if you keep the Buddhist precept perfectly, your life is no longer existent. But the truth to live is just to live. If it is true, animals, vegetables, all sentient beings are living just like that: the truth to live is just to live. If so, in the undependable, very shakable realm of human life, we try to share our lives with people around us. Telling constantly, just the truth to live is to live. Just to live day to day, and extend it into all other people in the world, and also to trees, birds, all sentient beings. This is bodhisattva vows, constantly.
So that is a direction. Okay?
One’s life worth living should be found in one’s refined action now and here of proceeding day to day toward that direction without any expectation from it. This is the direction for bodhisattvas’ lives.
The more you move continually toward that direction, the more you discover various difficulties created by our own lives inwardly or outwardly, in many ways. It follows naturally that vow or prayer of trying to proceed safely toward the direction […] comes into existence.
This is exactly same as taking refuge in buddha, dharma, sangha.
Very naturally we try to express our weakness. Our weakness means moan; a great moan of disconsolate pain, irritation, uneasiness in the bottom of our life. The more you try to proceed toward that direction, a bodhisattva’s direction, the more you really discover the great moaning of human pain in the deep level.
And then, repentance is coming up. And repentance is simultaneously to take refuge in the buddha and the teaching, and the dharma, sangha.
So that is the reason why we have to make repentance.
As a conclusion: our body, our life is nothing but ordinary karmic life. Like a koan: Isan told his disciples, “If I die, I will be reborn as a cow in the village. In a hundred years, you will find a cow in the village with the name under the cow’s arm saying “Isan”. What do you call this cow? Is this merely a cow? If you say so, it’s wrong. Or if after discovering the name on the cow’s body you say this is not a cow, this is Isan, this answer is wrong. What do you call this cow?
Dōgen Zenji comments on this: “Please let this cow [exist] in the great expanse [of the pasture] and guide this cow to move toward right directions.” Even though they are going zigzag or they are going in a different direction they like, sometimes you have to guide to the cows to the Buddha’s way; patting his head: “You are good boy.” Dōgen comments on the story like this.
The same applies to your life. Our life is nothing but ordinary human beings covered with karmic life. But is this [merely] karmic life? Is [it] natural for us to give up [to] instinctive life or karmic life? It is, in a sense, somewhat true, but it’s not true exactly, because still you can do something more than that, for you, for others. For the trees, for the birds, for all sentient beings. If so, if you see this virtuous nature of your life, I think this is your great target you have to aim at. And then at that time you have to move toward that direction using your body, and how to express your karmic life in the realm of bodhisattva life. So very naturally you can share your life with all sentient beings.
And then from this, repentance is coming up.
Any questions? If you don’t [have any], I want to go forward.
Question: You’re saying the idea of repentance is the idea of putting yourself totally into your life? Is that what you’re saying?
Katagiri Roshi: The idea – this is [that] next I have to talk about how to make repentance in a concrete way. But before that I [talked about] the reason why we have to make repentance. Because usually repentance is regarded as apology toward a certain person or certain divinity for your mistakes, for your karmic life. Saying, well, karmic life is not right and bodhisattva life is right. So we try to throw [karmic life] away and try to get another thing; always juggling.
Question: Yeah, well there’s been a lot of words. Can one say the following? First, that you can’t ever worry about being a bodhisattva… You cannot imagine yourself to be a bodhisattva, first thing. Second thing, you might have that sense of direction, there’s only here and now, and there’s opportunity here and now that we have taken or we have missed.
Katagiri Roshi: Yeah, [unintelligible].
Same person: And sometimes one finds some satisfaction in having taken an opportunity to share one’s life here and now, but very often it’s just a fact – every one of us experiences this, I know – we see I’ve missed the opportunity, it’s gone.
Katagiri Roshi: Yeah.
Same person: … and then comes repentance.
Katagiri Roshi: Yes.
So I think I have to explain, okay? Let me go farther, all right? And then probably you could understand.
There are three kinds of repentance. One is repentance in vastness; that means your whole body and mind should stand straightly in the realm of the whole universe. Not only your small world; how do you stand up in the whole universe? I think there must be practice, always throwing away your egoistic understanding and open yourself and understanding others’ life, accepting and digesting, et cetera. Constantly you have to practice.
So that is standing straightly in the realm of whole universe. And then, something is coming up. Then your life can be discovered, with all other beings.
So that is repentance. Where should the repentance stand up? In your world? No. In the realm of whole universe, first.
For example, when you soak your body and mind in the bathtub in the winter time. First of all you have to use your consciousness. Consciousness limits your life; consciousness never lets you extend into every inch of the universe. So if you use your consciousness, immediately your life is limited. But this is our life! So we have to use our consciousness in order to soak your body in the bathtub with wholeheartedness. And then you actually should soak in your bathtub, in action, okay? And then there is total unity of your bathtub and warm water and your body. This is not idealistical, this is something in motion, in the process of jumping or being there, constantly. Then after, after being one with the unity of the bathtub and you, then you say, “Ah!” That is your experience; very basic experience, very beginning of your experience. Do you understand?
From where [does the] very beginning of experience, so-called “Ah!” [come]? It comes from unity of the bathtub and you, including your emotions and the hundred thousand millions of pores. All bodies, all sentient beings work together simultaneously, then unity in action comes into existence. But unfortunately you don’t know it. But in the process of action, in refinedness, then you can be there, exactly.
Because the first beginning of the “wow!”, so-called experience, primary experience, comes from that total unity, that’s it. But we don’t pay attention to that total unity because it is exactly one. It is too close to know; that’s why we miss it. And then we are interested in just the world created after the “wow,” and then immediately consciousness comes back again and analyzes what kind of water there is, how your body is, what your physical condition is like. We are always discussing, making adjustment of a situation, and analyzing. Then we say, “I understand water and bathtub, how wonderful it is.” This is idealistical world, that’s [all]; in other words the verbal world, thinking world. Thinking comes from language, words; without words you cannot think it. So thinking is simultaneously creating words, being in the words. It’s very quick, very quick; a different [world] comes up, but total unity of the bathtub and your body is no longer discovered by your consciousness.
But through the consciousness you have to take action in being with the bathtub. In action, through the total action, that’s it. If you do it, you cannot know it; then you miss it. After missing, there is only one thing [which] is the word created after the beginning of your experience. That is the samsaric world, going on and on.
So that’s why we have to come back to this beginning, the completely primary state of the unity between you and universe, you and bathtub. This is our practice, constantly. Why do we have to say so? Because we cannot analyze what is the bathtub before you jump into it. Because you are completely involved in idealistical discussion and analysis of the bathtub’s existence, and your life too. So finally [there is] no end; discussion is going [with] no end. And then you are always after understanding then I want to jump into it. This is also true, but I think through this understanding you never get the real first unity between the bathtub and you in action. No. Always there is a separation there.
So this is repentance and thusness, first. Anyway, jump in. [He laughs.]
“Jump in” doesn’t mean jump blindly; I don’t mean that. That’s why where do you have to jump into? You have to jump into the bathtub in the realm of the undependable, your understanding, your thoughts, your reality, your body and mind, all things. […] That’s why you cannot jump into it blindly.
Second: repentance in undefiledness.
Undefiledness means function of real deep understanding of human life which repentence originates from. Always you have to stand up in the realm of the whole universe, constantly. In other words, in the primary state of unity, total unity in action between you and others, between you and trees. Come back; you have to come back. What does that means? How do you come back? You should open. You constantly, always open.
And then how do you do it? That is completely [that] you have to take care of human action as refined. Refined means undefiled, completely undefiled. Undefiled means your action is creating your action itself and also that pure action is the place where the frame of action which you have understood is melted away. Any kind of frames, levels, and ideas are melted away into this realm of the whole universe; that is total action. That means when you do gassho, gassho is in action as refined. Use your consciousness, and jump into this; then this is undefiled consciousness, undefiled repentance.
The third: repentance in the presence of Buddha. This is very concrete. Why do we have to repent in the presence of Buddha? There are three points (here, too).
One is repentance in great karuna (“compassion”). That means repentance you should make in the realm of a great moan of human pain in the depths of life. Because the more you try to move towards the direction, the more you discover lots of difficulties created by you and by others, by circumstances – visibly or invisibly. So you have to adjust to direct your boat in the right direction. You have to adjust it, constantly. That’s really difficult. So very naturally, you cannot do [it] by your effort only; you need lots of help. So very naturally in order to stand up in the realm of the universe by which your life and all other lives are supported, we try to pray to that. Or we try to move towards that direction.
So that is compassion, Buddha’s compassion.
For instance, if you repent in order to be free from your samsaric life and to reach the Buddha Way, the bodhisattva way of life, at that time your repentance is made for what? For you. “For you” means for your desire. So repentance is made for your desire – in other words you repent to satisfy your desire; that’s [all].
For instance zazen: “I would like to be free from myself. I would like to attain enlightenment, that’s why I want to do that.” That is a desire […] of everyone’s. So if you do zazen [that way], the zazen in action is not undefiled, because you try to satisfy your own desire. For this purpose you do zazen, so [that] zazen will never be undefiled.
That is the first point (of repentance in the presence of Buddha). That’s why your desire is your desire, but if you have a desire, next you have to put aside your desire. And then if you put aside your desire, because you have to share your life with all sentient beings, you cannot stay confined in your life, in your own small desires. You should share your desire with all sentient beings. So for this, you should put aside your desire first. That means open; you should open yourself.
And then if you open your life, then that opening your life allows you to be in the realm of the whole universe, naturally. That is unity, the very beginning of the unity between you and others’ life.
So that is the first point.
The second point (of repentance in the presence of Buddha) is that you must accept this great moan of human pain in the bottom of human life, which turns into human compassion. You share it with all sentient beings. If you understand the very deep moan, M-O-A-N, of pain in the deep depths of human life, that pain or moan turns into compassion. Because you understand the [moan] which everyone has, so you naturally give deep sympathy to everyone. Not only human beings: trees, birds, pebbles; all sentient beings.
That is our practice: do it. So very naturally you are a person who practices this repentance. First, you are important, so you must be a person who accepts this great moan of human pain in the depth of human life, and believes it, and stands up straight there. At that time, you are ready to accept the whole universe, others’ life.
Okay, that is the second point.
The third point (of repentance in the presence of Buddha): there is a place where the great moan of human pain in the depths of life called Buddha’s compassion, and the person who accepts this and believes in it totally, they work together. There is a place where both work together. What is that? That is a ritual. Ritual. That is a place, time, and space you can face, now. How? Time and space can be formed as a ritual – spiritual ritual, religious ritual. That ritual is a form, so-called ceremony of repentance.
But a ceremony of repentance is ritual as a form; form is form. A question is, how do you make form alive, for the sake of benefiting your life and others’ life? That really depends on your attitude and actions right now, right here. That’s it.
I mentioned the same applies to the hundred dollar bill. How do you deal with this hundred dollar bill? Do you take this hundred dollar bill as a piece of paper? If so, burn it! Burn it away. Or… please give it to me before you burn it. [Laughter.] I can use it. If you take it as a hundred dollar bill as-it-is, I think you can use it. It is not discussion; you should use it. And then the idea of the value of the hundred dollar bill is something alive in your everyday life, called supporting your life; [action]. This is a ritual.
So ritual is what? Ritual is your own refined human action, now and here. This is a turning point, which way you go: bodhisattva way or ordinary people’s life. The turning point is a pointless point. It’s very delicate, because it’s action in motion, constantly acting. That’s it.
So that is a turning point. Which way to go? Please – go. “Go” means you have to take one step. That’s it. Not thinking, “Over there; the other side.” Of course “the other side” is important, but this is a very undependable, idealistic [word] we have understood. But this is a unique way where we live in. That’s why how do you use this undependable word as very secure dependable word? That really depends on your refined human action, right now, right here.
Is that clear? That is called repentance in the presence of Buddha.
So how do you do this? Just do gassho, and “I take refuge in the Buddha.”
Or, we say “gashaku shozō shoaku”: I make my karmic life, twisted karmas from the past life, et cetera. Just repent. That is action.
Then that action, repentance in action, in motion from moment to moment, day to day, carrying [on] life after life, is to put you right in the middle of the flow of energy of the universe. That is called unity of you and the whole universe.
That makes you pure; refined, or free. But real unity is not understandable, but you have to be there in action. Actual being; day to day alive. That’s it.
This is the meaning of repentance.
So I don’t know how long I should repent! If I become a bodhisattva, I have to repent. If I become an ordinary person, I have to repent. If I reach the Buddha’s Way, I have to repent, constantly. Because the more I come near to the Buddha way or bodhisattva way, I really discover the many difficulties around me, around all sentient beings, created by the self and others, circumstances, visibly or invisibly, inwardly and outwardly. Constantly I have to adjust my ship, directing toward a right direction, called the bodhisattva way. That’s all I have to do. Then, you can really help really others. You can benefit your life, you can benefit others.
Okay?
Question?
Question: How can I save myself? You said if you save yourself, then we can save all sentient beings?
Katagiri Roshi: Well, you can say either “I can save” or “I cannot save,” [and] you cannot say either, both. You can say both: “I can save,” “I cannot save.” Can you attach to only one side? “I cannot save”: that is your arrogance, human arrogance. “Because I am human being, how can I save all sentient beings? It’s ridiculous!” This is human arrogance, by which we are always creating problems. But actually, in the deep level, we don’t accept human beings like that exactly. There is some place, some part of our human life always crying, talking, speaking of how to live in peace, day to day. Even […] only in my life, how to take care of my life with all sentient beings. […] Always we see [this], we can hear the cry. Don’t you think so?
So you can say either, [and] you cannot say either, “I can save” or “I cannot save.” So finally, you don’t know who you are. If you don’t know who you are: keep your mouth shut, let’s start slowly, quietly, step by step, that’s [all]; moving toward the bodhisattva’s way that buddhas and ancestors mention. That’s all we can do.
Question: Could you explain the sitting on the train while the lady was standing in terms of the different kinds of repentence that you mentioned? If that is an example of one or more of the three kinds that you explained, how it is?
Katagiri Roshi: Three kinds of repentence? […]
Same person: Yeah, three kinds of repentence using the example of you keeping your seat on the train instead of getting up to give your seat to this old lady. Do you understand what I mean? Is your action on the train an example of one or more of those three kinds of repentence.
Katagiri Roshi: Well, that repentance corresponds to the last repentance, in the great moan of human pain in the depths of human life. The more you look at your life, I think you can see the great moan: crying, deep crying. The more you try to reach, the more you can see. You can see your life [preventing or disturbing] your life from reaching to the Buddha’s way. Very naturally you can see how egoistic [we are], how we hurt ourselves and others.
Only presence, only being here is really something. Do you understand?
Well, my presence is… You say Katagiri is abbot of Zen Center, and you say Katagiri is wonderful, but I don’t think Katagiri is wonderful, because I realize how much I interrupt your life. [Laughter.] How much I am hurting your life, how much [just] my presence here disturbs your life. Even though I’m talking of Buddha’s teaching, that talking of Buddha’s teaching makes you confused. [Laughter.] And [then] you hate the Buddha’s teaching. How much I can contact with you deeply? I cannot do it. But I have to do it. So my presence is wonderful, but I don’t think wonderful, because I always try to take care of my life [at] great expenses of your life. Don’t you think so? [Laughter.]
So from this point naturally I have to repent. “Please help.” [He laughs.]
But I don’t know how much I should cry to the buddhas, “Please help.” I don’t know how much Buddha helps me, because Buddha doesn’t know how much. But the only great chance [there is] for me to open is just to pray to the Buddha; just to open myself and do it, move toward that Buddha’s way. That’s it. That’s the only unique opportunity for me to get into.
So very naturally, every day I have to repent. It’s not [just] necessary in zazen, but also in everyday life. I mentioned [the example of the] trains; how egoistic we are.
You know, when I was in San Francisco, I preached to a Japanese congregation when we had a funeral service. And one person criticized me, comparing [mine] with Suzuki Roshi’s preaching. This person said to me that my preaching was kind of, uh, “forcing people to understand the Buddha’s teachings.” [He laughs.] [Apparantly] I was very aggressive, in other words. Okay? She said, “Suzuki Roshi’s preaching was not like this, but reflecting upon himself.” That’s it.
I don’t know which is good preaching or which is bad preaching. But at that time, by my preaching, all the audience were very moved …
[Tape change.]
… interacting [with] others. So I cannot say my preaching is best. So very naturally, through my preaching, I have to repent, apologize in the presence of Buddha: “Please help me.” That’s it.
But all I have to do is – well, I just repent. Because there is no guarantee, how much I can be free from my aggressive preaching, you know? [He chuckles.] “You should understand it.” In a deep sense, I try to make you understand the Buddha’s teachings as best as I can, so [I am] using lots of words, that’s why finally my preaching is lots of words. But the point is very simple; no words. My preaching always reaches [toward] that point: no words. But before I reach to that, I have to use the words, because you don’t understand it. Just like everyone wants to be quiet, but everyone is always making noise. That’s why finally I should say, “Be quiet!” And then you can understand: “Oh! Be quiet.” But if I don’t explain it […] you are constantly making noise – this is the human world.
Okay? Other questions?
Question: When you talked about the bodhisattva way, you said that separateness from the bodhisattva way …
Katagiri Roshi: Bodhisattva way?
Same person: Are we separate from the bodhisattva way, if this is a target that we can reach for?
Katagiri Roshi: Mm-hmm. Do you know the Bodhisattva way?
Same person: No.
Katagiri Roshi: Oh. I think simply speaking, the bodhisattva way is to keep their own life healthy and peaceful, and share their life with all beings, being with them day to day in peace and harmony. That is the bodhisattva way. But let’s go back to our own life. Can you do it? For instance, if you see some person you don’t like – can you share?
Same person: I can try.
Katagiri Roshi: You can try. But a certain corner of your consciousness always hates some person. You don’t love totally. The more you love that particular person, the more you can see another side you don’t love. So it’s pretty hard.
So very naturally, how to proceed toward that direction of bodhisattva life day to day – that is not an idealistical discussion or understanding, thinking of a beautiful world separate from you. You have to reflect, you have to see yourself day-to-day, right now. Do you understand?
And then, for instance, if I face some person I don’t like, immediately I hesitate. I cannot open. But my mind says, “Let’s open.” So if I try to open, I say, “It’s pretend.” Your life is pretending. But, no other way. So, constantly pretending to open myself and approach, to have access to that way. The more we try, the more I can see a clear image of pretending. So finally, I cry. Do you understand?
So crying, crying, crying, and finally, I open my life. Relief.
So I don’t know how much we should cry. Thousand, millions cries? And then you can open. One hitting, totally hitting to the target. So-called opening yourself totally is due to having a hundred thousand [misses]. That’s it.
Not a hundred or thousand… millions and millions. [Laughter.]